do I matter?

Life is rather hectic these days.

I mean, it's good, but it's also busy.... new baby, toddler, full time work, side company, old house needing TLC, friends, wanting to be healthy, wanting to stay married, you know normal life.

I know we're not getting any awards soon for managing an overly busy life, but for me, for now, it feels like too much.

Last night I started reading Bill Hybels' new book "Simplify: ten practices to unclutter your soul." The first chapter along was enough to make me feel like an addict at his first AA meeting finally admitting he has a problem.

The struggle for me is that I like being busy, I like being around people who are busy, I like getting stuff done and making a dent in the world and not just sitting on my hind quarters drinking sweet tea and dreaming of far away places. I like to live in the now, in the today, I like to sweat and feel the pressure of a day's demands on my shoulders, I like to feel like my work matters, like I matter.

Like I matter. (ouch, did I just write that?)

Truth be told I work hard, I make myself busy because at the root of it all, I'm still asking that adolescent nightmarish question, "do I matter."

Now, I'm not actually asking you if you think I matter, I know I matter, I know my work is making a difference, I know my family loves me, but if I'm honest I'd have to confess I've drank the cultural cool-aid telling me my work is what defines me, I matter when what I do matters to not just me, not just God, but to enough people.

We're told busy people are better people, but I'm starting to ask if busy people are actually broken people.

Do we push beyond what today allows, what this season of life allows, beyond what our emotions currently allow and instead of making the world better, actually break ourselves in pursuit of progress?

So here I go, wanting to simplify, wanting to be busy at what's best but leaving room for rest. Heck, maybe I could make a nursery rhyme for my boys "busy with rest is actually what's best" (it's cheesy but I remember cheesy)

Who knows?

But here I go, trying to figure out what does it mean to still be busy, just busy with rest.

Happy Wednesday.