So Zion has a journal with about 30-ish posts in it, and Indie now has a whopping 3 entries. My hope is that one day they can read back through these and have a memoir of their lives. Funny things they were doing, different development milestones they hit, but most importantly hundreds of pages of insights on life from their dad. I'm not saying I'm some guru, but I have learned a few things. And, if I can help my boys avoid what I learned through pain, they'll be a little wiser and farther along then I was at their age.
So today I wrote for Indie (a few days late).
I shared with his future self that he's now more alert, opening his eyes more, starting to recognize his mom and I, and that he'll sneak a perfect, heart melting smile out every now and then.
I also shared about something I've been processing lately.
ARE WE REALLY HONEST?
Here's what I wrote him:
"Are we honest? I hope your mom and I teach you not to lie, but there's a big gap between a lie and honesty. There's the grey of not fully explaining, fully revealing, fully expressing, that lowers the reaction of the one listening or basically manipulates the other to get the desired outcome you want. Now, there's wisdom in persuasion and timing, but don't mistake those virtues for honesty. There will come a time you have to make sure that honesty really happens. Don't allow persuasion to win out over honesty in your friendships, your marriage, your family, and your work. All of those areas matter too much! Be a man of character and integrity and just be honest. Pray like crazy about the situation, search your life for your own faults, and then speak the truth, trusting that God will be in the outcome"
I've been thinking about this because I'm realizing there are a few relationships from over the years that I've valued persuasion over honesty in. I've cared more about not upsetting them, or me feeling dumb, or not wanting to change myself, then I have about how truthful my words really were. One of these relationships God has been challenging me on lately, that's a nice way of saying he's forced me to face it, to face how I've wimped out, and to either choose to grow up and be a man of character or to take the low road and slither away.
THIS SUCKS!
This causes every insecurity in me to scream, this causes the hours of prideful speeches in my head of how right I am and how I'm doing the "right thing" to all over a sudden be a massive waste of time, this also hurts my pride because I'm having to face up to the fact that I chickened out when the time for truth came.
Here's some things I'm learning along this process:
Have I REALLY prayed about this?
I'm a master at a passing flippant prayer of "God help them, cause they need it!" But a friend asked if I had honestly prayed "Jesus I want you to do what's best here for them, for all involved, I want their life to be the best it can be and help me to help your best for them happen, and let me know where I'm not helping you!" It's hard for me to admit that at times I'm hurting more then helping, and that I care more about me being right in a situation then the person in the situation.
Have I REALLY tried to like them?
If I don't think you like me, care for me, it's incredibly easy for me to dismiss anything you say, no matter how honest it might be. Jesus wasn't an idiot when he said "love your enemies." When love enters the conversation, the conversation changes.
Have I REALLY been honest with myself?
I have to own my insecurities, my baggage, my misperceptions, my jealously, my selfishness cause if I don't and try to be "honest" then all I've done is exposed my true self and lost any change at influence. I hate having to admit just how extremely insecure, jealous and selfish I am!
Have I REALLY been honest with them?
Many times I've said I've shared with them, told them, lectured them. When really I've just hinted or alluded to a general direction of thought in the hope that some Jedi mind trick miracle will occur and they magical understand exactly what my fragmented encrypted thought meant. I'm realizing that communication is a two way thing and that unless they "understand" what I'm saying, I haven't achieved honesty yet.
The relationships we have and the work we get to do are too important and too fragile for us to not do the hard work to be honest.
I hope you guys are wiser then I have been and that you choose to be honest with the small things before you're faced with having to choose to be honest when the big things and the stakes have become higher and scarier.
Happy Saturday.
Matt
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